We hate to have to reveal this so soon, but the hoax (originally published ONLY on SubGenius sites) is already making the news -- which should tell you something about the dependability of the news.
That "news release" about Stang retiring was merely another in a series of SubIntelligence Tests: a Gullibility Test in this case. We truly thought it too preposterous for ANYBODY to believe. So, despite previous similar tests, we are again sincerely surprised to see how many, ahem, "SubGeniuses" failed utterly to see through what should have been grossly obvious as a put-on -- especially within the context of The Church of the SubGenius. Every now and then we do things like this to sweep out the wishful thinkers, Gimme-Bobs, the eagerly gullible and a new species: those too dumb EVEN to be a SubGenius (something we previously imagined to be a contradiction in terms).
Some folks can't handle or even recognize satire unless it has a laugh track or Smiley-Face icon attached to it, and those are NOT the kind of people that are going to benefit from "Bob's" Church; many such individuals have in fact become huge liabilities in times past. You might call it "Spring Cleaning." Weeding out the "believer" types and/or the Slacklessly judgmental -- or, rather, setting up a situation whereby they weed themselves out in reflex butthurt ragequitting -- increases the likelihood of the Xists coming through this year, FINALLY. For, as it says in The PreScriptures, "The Conclusion-Jumper shall be at The Judgment."
Again, for those with reading comprehension disabilities:
I, Stang, am not retiring; we just wanted to see how various people, especially certain chronically jealous haters, would react to a transparently absurd hoax. We were eager to see who would WANT to believe it.
The most hilariously indignant responses were selected for reading on HOUR OF SLACK #1365, aired last Sunday night. Special thanks to Dr. Legume for writing the news release, and to the chronic whiner who did everything he possibly could to get himself "banned," yet failed even at that. What he DID manage to do was inspire this particular test session.
There will be another pop quiz tomorrow.
For those who must have this sort of thing spelled out, the news about the SubGenius mom's missing child, and his subsequently being found, was NOT a hoax.